Heavenly MaMa

On August 11, 2014 our two beautiful girls were born sleeping. We named them Madison Alicia and Makenzie Patricia. They were 22 weeks and 5 days old according to the pathology report.

 

I had back pain Sunday evening and said, "if this is still going on tomorrow, I'm calling Dr.K". I called Dr.K's office Monday stating what was going on and was told to go to Labor and Delivery. I went to the hospital in the late morning. They put the contraction monitor on me to see if I was having contractions and checked for heartbeats. Their hearts were beating and according to the monitor, I was not having contractions. I was sent home being told that I would "have an uncomfortable remainder of my pregnancy". I don't recall exactly how much time was between when I got home and was told to go back again after I thought I peed my pants but, it was probably about 30 minutes. I was on the phone with my Mother at the time and told her what had happened. She said I needed to call the Doctors office again immediately. So I did. I was told to go back to the hospital & did that. This was my first pregnancy, so I didn't know that my water broke and I was in labor.

 

When I got to the hospital, they put me in a room and did a swab test showing broken membranes. I didn't know what that meant and everything was so surreal that if they explained what it meant, I didn't/don't remember. My husband said he thinks he remembered them saying something though. I felt like I had to use the restroom & asked permission. She said that was fine and said she'd be back in just a few minutes. And that's when it all happened. I gripped the side bars next to the toilet tightly and screamed for my husband saying "something's happening!", at that moment, a gush of fluid came out of me and I felt a lot of pressure. At this time, I had no idea that I had given birth to my precious Madison. I feel horrible for not knowing. I feel angry at myself for not knowing. I wish I could have picked her up and held her right then and there. She deserved to go in a much more dignified manner. 

 

My husband ran into the lobby of L&D and could barely muster the words of what was going on and just screamed saying "there's lots of fluid, come now!". They told him: "it's ok, it's normal." That is when my husband lost it on them and yelled at them saying "it's NOT normal, get the (insert explicit word here) in there!" The nurses rushed in our room. As one was placing me on the bed. Another was in the bathroom cleaning things up. There was a moment of silence when my husband and I were holding hands. So afraid. So confused. We looked at  eachother with eyes that could have only said "I love you & am so sorry for what is going on". Then we heard the nurse in the bathroom crying. We knew. We knew one of our girls was gone. Contractions started setting in & they gave me some pain medication as quick as they could. At that time, I had such a mix of emotions going on but, all I knew was, I had to get our Makenzie out so she could be with her sister. I pushed for probably 30 minutes or and there she was, just as beautiful and perfectly formed as her sister. Madison was born sleeping at 6:05 p.m. and Makenzie was born sleeping at 7:10 p.m.

 

It took us awhile to hold our babies. Some may think that's strange. Looking back, I wish I held them right away but I think I just couldn't wrap my head around that they were not with us anymore. I felt like it was just a dream. I was so heartbroken, I didn't want it to be true. I was in shock and trying to make sense of the tragedy that just occured. However; nothing could ever make sense of that nightmare. All I could do was cry. My husband and I lied in the small twin sized bed holding eachother, crying in one anothers arms. Praying together over and over again. At times, we were emotionally numb, just staring into nothing. Eventually, I went over and saw our babies. I broke down. My tears falling on them. How could this happen?! Why did this happen?! Questions I won't ever have an answer to as they didn't find anything wrong. We will find out when we see them again and get to hold them for an eternity. My husband and I tried to sleep but, couldn't. We kept taking turns holding them. Sometimes resting them in between us. What we wouldn't give for one more day with them.

 

The rest is pretty much every parents nightmare: giving the information for their death certificates, a social worker coming in to tell you about your options. Having information given to you to aid in choosing who you go through for cremation or burial needs. It hurts to have all those dreams and that joy taken away from you in an instant. As my husband put it "I was supposed to be building their cribs, not making a urn". We wound up getting them cremated & my husband is a carpenter so, he is making a urn for our angel babies. The next day, taking the wheelchair down the hall without our babies made us feel cheated, like it was the "walk of shame". My Mom and Aunt came the very next day (both our families live in the Chicago area) and we cannot express how much this meant to us to have them there. We both needed their presence. They are amazing women and I will never be able to thank them enough for being there in that time of need.

 

Not a day goes by that I don't miss them. Not one month when it is the 11th is there a time when I don't shed a tear. They will remain in our hearts forever. Until we meet again.

 

October 1, 2015 UPDATE:

 

Sadly, the story continues...On Wednesday, September 23rd I scheduled an appointment with my primary care Doctor. I was having cramping and some spotting. She came in and said "congratulations, you're pregnant!". My excitement was contained as I just felt like something was not right. My husband was very happy and couldn't wait to tell people. I, on the other hand was hesitant. She said that it could just be implantation bleeding and to follow up with my OB/GYN. I had changed my OB/GYN because my other one only worked out of the hospital that we went to where we lost our girls and due to the experience we had there, and the care, or lack thereof, we received there, I was not willing to go back there. So, I hadn't met with the new one yet. They were great though and got me in for HCG testing as soon as possible. I did the 48 hour test and that Friday, sadly the HCG levels did not rise to what they should have. This threw up a red flag and I was scheduled to do another HCG test on Sunday. Monday came and the levels still didn't go up much. I was asked to come into the office late that afternoon and did. We did a quick ultrasound in the office and my Doctor felt that what he was seeing wasn't good: blood in my fallopian tube. So, he sent me to the ER to get labs done and a more detailed ultrasound. Long story short, I was lying in the hospital on Monday night for observation being instructed to not have anything to eat or drink just in case I needed emergency surgery. Tuesday came and they scheduled me for a laproscopic exploratory surgery. There was a lot of possibilities involved. IF it's not an ectopic pregnancy, they'll just stitch me back up and I'll be ok. IF it was an ectopic pregnancy, they may be able to save the fallopian tube. IF they can't save the fallopian tube and it's damaged, they'll have to remove it. Unfortunately, my situation was the latter. The tube was severly damaged and they needed to remove my right fallopian tube and the ectopic pregnancy. So, here we go again. This grief journey is different than the first. It's still a journey though. It brings about so much hurt and pain from the previous loss and a lot of concern as to what the future holds for us. I can still concieve a child with just one fallopian tube however, it will be a little more difficult. I don't have a doubt in my mind that God wants us to have children here on Earth. I know that He will bring us through this!